Billionaires Bravely Step Forward To Represent Plight Of People Who Look At Price Tags

A harrowing new audit reveals that roughly eighty percent of viable Senate contenders have never personally witnessed a paper banknote exchange hands for perishable goods. Following reports that voters are buckling under historic grocery inflation, a bipartisan slate of private equity heirs and real estate barons launched emergency focus groups this week to discover what, precisely, a store-brand egg feels like to hold. Campaign strategists scrambled to adjust optics, advising candidates to divest from visible monocles and refer to their auxiliary mega-yachts simply as 'the commuter skiff.' One Pennsylvania hopeful held a solemn photo opportunity inside a discount grocer, attempting to barter an antique municipal bond for a bruised yam while visibly recoiling from the barcode scanner. 'Our polling indicates that registered voters spend dozens of hours a week being actively insolvent,' explained senior political consultant Julian Vance. 'It is only fitting that our candidates, whose liquidity could bail out a G8 nation, honor that grit by squinting earnestly at a gas pump before boarding a chartered Gulfstream.' Federal filings confirm most candidates remain deeply invested in the exact debt-collection firms currently foreclosing on their constituents.