Apple Shuts Unionized Store Due to 'Inconvenient' Human Rights Performance

Cupertino has made an executive decision to permanently extricate itself from the burdensome obligation of operating a retail establishment where employees dared to form a collective. The Maryland store, which recently entered into the quaint, bygone era of organized labor, has been deemed a 'liability,' not due to declining foot traffic, but, one can only assume, a declining ability to unilaterally dictate the lunch break duration for its hourly wage slaves. An Apple spokesperson, identified only as 'Mr. Corporate Synergy,' assured reporters that the closure was 'purely coincidental' and 'absolutely, positively not' a punitive measure for the egregious act of asking for, well, anything. Sources close to the mall, who wish to remain anonymous for fear of having their AirPods spontaneously combust, report no noticeable decline in 'mall conditions,' unless 'mall conditions' now refer to the sudden blossoming of employee empowerment. Industry analysts anticipate this brazen act will send a clear message to all other Apple 'geniuses' contemplating such audacious insubordination: your pursuit of better working conditions may inadvertently trigger a localized economic downturn of precisely one Apple Store.