Americans Will Gladly Declare Chapter 11 Before Ingesting A Single Cube Of Curdled Soy

Economists at the Federal Reserve confirmed Tuesday that while escalating beef prices have officially outpaced the cost of private jet fuel and vital organ transplants, the average citizen remains steadfast in their commitment to financially ruinous mastication. Confronted with a refrigerated aisle stocked with reasonably priced pork loins and harmless bricks of plant protein, domestic shoppers reportedly gaze upon the non-bovine alternatives with the cold dread usually reserved for hazardous waste spills. "We modeled twenty-four scenarios wherein consumers substitute flank steak with nutritious lentils," remarked chief market analyst Leonard Griggs, gesturing toward a desolate, untouched mountain of discounted ground turkey. "In every single projection, the focus groups chose personal bankruptcy and arterial defiance over the psychological defeat of eating poultry twice in forty-eight hours." Supermarket chains are adapting to the crisis by partnering with major credit bureaus, allowing suburban fathers to finance two pounds of 80/20 ground chuck over thirty-six monthly installments at 22% APR, provided their mortgage deed serves as collateral.