Amazon Unveils New 'Regulatory Compliance' Tier, Promises Even Fewer Ads For Premium Price

In a stunning display of corporate jujitsu, Amazon is reportedly developing a groundbreaking 'Regulatory Compliance' subscription tier, following accusations from the FTC and a veritable consortium of states that the e-commerce titan has been strong-arming over a million advertisers into paying exorbitant fees. Sources close to the internal discussions, likely located somewhere in a windowless server farm, suggest the new tier will allow businesses to *voluntarily* pay extra to *not* have their ads constantly appear in front of products that are already in the customer's cart, thus simulating a bygone era of internet retail. Company spokespeople, communicating via highly encrypted drone, insist this is merely an 'optimization of the advertiser-consumer dynamic,' a phrase which translates roughly to 'making more money while appearing to solve a problem we created.' Critics, many of whom are now considering filing a class-action lawsuit against their own wallets, argue that this 'solution' is less about fairness and more about monetizing the absence of the very predatory practices being litigated. Analysts are already predicting a 'Platinum Regulatory Compliance' tier, which will ensure your brand doesn't accidentally become sentient and buy itself on a competing platform.