Alabama Declares War on Sun: 'Too Bright, Too Clean, Too Damn Northern!'

In a surprising display of intellectual consistency, Alabama has opted to broaden its anti-progress portfolio beyond the usual suspects (education, healthcare, basic human dignity) to include, with particular venom, *solar power*. Yes, the very orb that gives life to this planet and allows crops to grow – a crucial detail for a state whose primary economic driver is, historically, 'waiting for the rest of the world to catch up' – is now officially a menace. The Public Service Commission runoff, traditionally a sleepy affair involving men who look like they last experienced joy while negotiating lumber prices, has erupted into a veritable 'War of the Watts,' pitting incumbent energy titans against anyone foolish enough to suggest a light switch might one day work without setting fire to an orphanage. Solar, it seems, is just 'too woke' for the Crimson State, posing an existential threat not merely to the profitability of dynastic utilities, but to the very concept of paying through the nose for something you already provide for free. Critics of data centers, meanwhile, have found an unlikely bedfellow in the anti-solar lobby, uniting under the banner of 'Keeping Alabama Stably Inefficient.' It's a bold strategy, Cotton, let's see if it pays off for 'em.