ABC Affirms 'The View' is News, Citing Ancient Decree from the Epoch of Flip Phones

In a stunning display of bureaucratic archaeology, ABC has dusted off a scroll from 2002, solemnly declaring that the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) once, in a moment of apparently profound insight, deemed "The View" a "bona fide news program." This revelation, delivered with the gravitas typically reserved for unsealing pharaonic tombs, effectively means that every heated discussion about Meghan McCain's sartorial choices or the precise culinary merits of oat milk lattes has, for two decades, been a sacred act of journalism. One can almost picture the FCC commissioners of yore, huddled around a CRT monitor, earnestly debating the geopolitical implications of Whoopi Goldberg's eyewear, arriving at their earth-shattering conclusion just as Limp Bizkit topped the charts. Critics, still reeling from the implications that twenty years of daytime television squabbles are functionally equivalent to Woodward and Bernstein, have questioned if this retroactive classification now qualifies 2005's 'Great Barbara Walters vs. a particularly stubborn stain on her mug' incident as a Pulitzer-worthy investigative report. ABC's legal team, however, remains unperturbed, reportedly preparing to submit archived footage of Joy Behar's dramatic eye-rolls as evidence of rigorous, Emmy-winning analytical prowess. The network is also said to be exploring whether this ruling permits them to retroactively apply for tax breaks traditionally reserved for outlets courageously reporting from war zones, effectively rebranding the studio as the 'Front Lines of Fervent Opinion.'